I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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