I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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