Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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