Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
