i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
our cab driver is having phone sex.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize