i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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