as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
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