I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
