So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It was a blind-side dick pic.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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