It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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