now i know why i became what i already was.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
