I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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