i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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