I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
