I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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