i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
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