Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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