Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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