i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
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