Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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