True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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