I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
