the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
