He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
