No awkward lesbian experiences without me
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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