Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
