They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
