can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
