im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
