We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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