I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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