I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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