The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
