seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
