right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
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