chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Dicks are not precious.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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