you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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