How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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