I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
