he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
