I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
