she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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