from now on my penis is your penis
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
