my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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