I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
