I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
