a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
