Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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