Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
