Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
