Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
