Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
