Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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