handjob tips. give me some.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
