Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
