Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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