i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
