So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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