i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
